A pastoral assistant speaks. (click to open their story)

He was from a religious order stationed out west and was in our diocese to perform a funeral for relative. After the assault I informed my pastor of what had taken place and let him know that I had already contacted my spiritual director and a counsellor I knew well. During the sessions immediately following the assault, both my counsellor and spiritual director encouraged me to report the assault. I remember being reluctant to inform the diocese, (looking back, I remember thinking that I didn’t feel safe letting them know…I can’t say specifically why) but they suggested that I, at least, inform the superiors of the attacker. I was most grateful for their support and assistance in writing the letter. A short time later, I received a phone call from the Superior General of the order asking if I would be willing to meet with him regarding the assault if he came to Ontario. I agreed and asked that both my counsellor and my pastor be present. He agreed. The meeting was, for me, an experience of healing. He was not judgmental and in no way did he try to discredit my experience of the event nor defend the actions of the attacker. In fact, he thanked me for coming forward since the order had heard rumors of similar actions by this particular priest over several years but had had no specific evidence. Some time later, the diocese sent out a letter (I am presuming to all pastors) that this particular priest was not to be allowed to exercise his priestly duties in the diocese without the specific written authority of his superiors and the written permission of the diocese under certain conditions. That letter indicated that the diocese was aware of the incident and likely the Bishop and Chancellor would have been informed by the Superior General of the Order. At no time did the diocese reach out to me regarding information about the attack or to inquire if I needed support. The Superior General of the Order very generously paid for my counselling.

Juan Carlos Cruz is a survivor of clerical sex abuse. (click to open their story)

His case made international news in 2018, and today he continues to advocate for survivors. In the wake of the McCarrick report, Juan Carlos was interviewed by Colleen Dulle, host of “Inside the Vatican,” to discuss how the church can continue to pursue justice for victims of abuse.

A lay man speaks (click to open their story)

A layman speaks After a public evening presentation at the Western Conference of Priests gathering in Winnipeg in early 1970, I was invited to a private social with about 5 young priests at a local hotel. I had met one of these priests two years earlier while visiting Alberta. I accepted their offer of an alcoholic beverage but didn’t know it was spiked with something that made me lose consciousness for a significant period of time. After regaining consciousness, I realized I was in a vulnerable and compromised situation with the priest I knew. I have experienced deep shame and guilt from the memories that have lived within me over these many years. I tried to meet with the offending priest on more than one occasion about what happened, and he wasn’t able or ready to not only take ownership for his actions, nor hear how what he did affected me and my relationship to the Eucharist and his vocation of priesthood. In 2018, I realized I am a survivor of clergy sexual abuse and wasn’t going to allow myself to be a victim any longer. What happened in 1970 wasn’t my fault and I decided to report it. I arranged to meet with our present bishop. I shared this matter with him because before his appointment as ordinary to my current diocese, he had been auxiliary bishop of the diocese where this offending priest was now retired. I was grateful for my bishop’s reception and compassion when I related my experience. His first comment after my account was “You weren’t the first.” My new bishop obviously knew this priest and believed what this priest did to me. I realized that what happened to me obviously happened to others and was either covered up, masked, ignored or not addressed by that archdiocese and my Church. Since then, I have taken advantage of the professional counselling which was offered me. I strongly feel called to require our Church to acknowledge what has happened not just to me but many others in the last fifty years and to take responsible steps in addressing what occurred and work with us together to bring healing, forgiveness and change to move us to be Church with and to and for one another. Forgiveness can only be meaningful if those involved can acknowledge their actions or inaction and take responsibility for their part in this sin. I have decided to speak out and share my experience not to further damage the Church and religion to which I am a member but to bring truth into the light and address the root causes. With the guidance and direction of the Spirit, I want to assist my Church to face our individual and collective sins and turn to Jesus Christ for forgiveness, healing and His promised salvation.

Why do victims sometimes wait a long time to come forward?

In my case, I buried my experience from 1970 and it only resurfaced about five years ago to the point that I felt a need to share it. When I learned our new Bishop came from the diocese where the offending priest was retired, that motivated me to meet with him. I believe the Spirit has been and continues to be leading me.

If you are still able to function, how bad was the impact really?

To think about the offending priest celebrating Eucharist the next day after abusing me with his congregation shook me to the core. What his hands did to me and within 24 hours these same hands were handling the Body and Blood of Christ was something I could not at all comprehend. How does a priest rationalize this? What was going on in this priest’s mind? How does he justify this and live with himself? On top of this, a childhood friend asked me to be his best man at their wedding. The wedding mass was to be celebrated by the priest who abused me. I felt an impossible conflict. So, I informed my friend and his fiancée what this priest did to me and that I couldn’t participate in their wedding if he were officiating. I made my friend choose between me and the priest they wanted to officiate at their marriage. I felt very badly having to do this.

What did you need from the church leadership at the time?

As I look back, I needed a climate in the Church that was open to feedback and disclosure. I was fearful fifty years ago that my Church would shun me if I revealed my experience to the proper authorities. I felt the clergy and the Church's hierarchy were placing themselves above me.

What do you need from the church leadership now?

I strongly feel our Church has to reexamine its teaching on sexuality and focus much more on the Bible and our personal relationship with Jesus Christ rather than Canon Law and the seven sacraments. I want my Church to acknowledge its sins - past and present - and ask the people in the pews and those who walked out the door for forgiveness. People who have experienced what I have need more than a personal apology. I need to see my Church - beginning at the diocesan level - making the effort to address the role of women, clericalism, the hierarchical structure, the role of laity.

If you came forward and the church asked you to sign a NDA in exchange for a settlement, how did this impact you? What would waiving that NDA mean for you now?

I confronted the priest who sexually assaulted me but didn't report it to his archdiocese until 48 years later. I had no inclination to ask for financial compensation for my ordeal. I was grateful the Archdiocese of Edmonton offered counselling for me and offered payment for those services.

Many victims say they want the church to publish names of credibly-accused-why is this important to you, if it is?

In my case, the name of the priest being revealed is not important to be revealed. However, this may make it easier for other of his victims to come forward. (My offending priest is in a retirement community and suffers dementia as far as I know.) I need my Church to accept its responsibility for the way this was handled fifty years ago and since. Obviously, bishops, clergy and dioceses knew at least some of the perpetrators and supported or covered up their actions. Victims were not supported by the Church. We can't heal unless we acknowledge our sins and humbly ask for forgiveness.

A mother speaks (click to open their story)

This statement is from the mother of a boy who was abused as a young teen. We asked what she needed from the church, what would have helped, what does meaningful support look like to her, what is the impact of signing NDA’s and why would it be important to publish the names of credibly-accused, as is done in other jurisdictions

I need the church to always involve the police immediately upon report of abuse. And remove the perpetrators from the church stat.

The non-disclosure agreement affected us so that the whole ordeal was basically ignored and the abuser moved to new parish, to do it all again. Eventually the law did catch up with him. Removing the NDA might have helped or could help call down the actions of the church. It might have helped stop other abusers and get them to prosecution.

The refusal to publish names of abusers means the church continues to provide secretive support to abusers. Example: the abuser of my son 36 years ago left our parish with a good reputation instead of a trip to jail. There were other lads in our parish who were also abused by him. He went on to abuse more

Meaningful support would be honesty, retribution and apology, and possibly financial and counselling support for victims.

The church offered NOTHING. My son sued the diocese and school board. Eventually he settled out of court with much opposition from both bodies and the signing of non-disclosure papers. Note: My son only told me of the abuse at the time of this case [years after the abuse]. Even when he had been asked by family members about that time in his life, he had denied it. So, a few decades later I had the shock of these facts, and the guilt that I had not protected him.

My son had dealt with it all himself and had sought counselling at some point. It may have helped my son to be kept informed in those decades following; as for myself, the abuser had already served jailtime for his crimes (not against my son, but other sons!) and was retired at his cottage. He reported that he had no memory of my son. He was a multi abuser, moved around parishes by the church. He died a few years later.

Voices of Ordinary Catholics (click to open their story

Vicarious or indirect trauma refers to the impact of indirect exposure to difficult, disturbing and/or traumatic images and stories of the suffering of others…and the way that it might impact us as individuals and as professionals. (Source: [https://www.tendacademy.ca/resources/defining-vicarious-trauma-and-secondary-traumatic-stress/)

CLC heard the following statements at the parish meetings from ordinary lay Catholics describing the impact that reports of clergy sexual abuse has had on them and on their faith. This is a process we encourage other parishes to use (Link to Toolkit).

My feeling is terrible sadness, shame and helplessness.

Feelings of revulsion thinking of the abuse of young people by priests.

The church should not have said ‘we will take care of it’, then go and ‘Keep it Secret’!!

We haven’t lost our faith in God, but our faith in the Church has been bruised.

Faithful parishioners and priests are being harassed and besieged with “Why are you still in the Catholic Church?”

The video documentary “Prey” (TVO November 2019) was a shocking revelation of the shuffling around of errant priests and cover-ups like nothing happened - that a priest would ever be so complicit and let it “Go on”! Also, the fact that there was no disclosure – even in Criminal Matters.

Church denial and secrecy is upsetting and feels dismissive.