Brenda Coleman of CLC Niagara wrote a reflection in which she shares what the First Friday Fellowship meant to her

We have met monthly inviting a different speaker each month followed by discussions. It has been obvious to me that both groups have benefited from continuing to listen to one another. These meetings provided a way for survivors and laity to continue to hear each other’s story and at the same time build a small community of people who are searching for ways to deal with the difficult topic of clergy sexual abuse.

Many insights and interesting ideas came out of our evenings together and it would be impossible to list them all. What I’ll do is zero in on a few that struck home to me.

The first thing that really affected me very deeply was hearing the depth of the pain survivors experience for years after the abuse by clergy, and secondly, the added suffering they go through if they take their case to court.

Hearing from survivors how this abuse totally changed their lives. They were no longer an innocent child making their way in the world, but a child with a dreadful secret. Also learning that being sexually abused by a priest was especially damaging because in some cases this person represented God to them. One survivor tearfully said that it affected his very soul. This damaged their faith in God, which up to that point was a big part of their lives.

I thought of how I would feel if this had happened to me. What would my life have been like if I had been abused in this way? Like the survivors, I could have felt alienated from my parents and siblings because of the terrible secret I couldn’t tell anyone. I could have lost my faith. There’s a good chance I wouldn’t have the life I enjoy today with a devoted husband, children, and grandchildren.

It really made me wonder how many other people who were abused in this way are still out there. And... how do we find them to let them know they aren’t forgotten?

But it’s not easy to find them. There needs to some sort of incentive for them to come forward, or the assurance that someone would listen with compassion and try to understand, if they did so.

If a person wants to end their years of silence and report it to the Church, it’s not easy. While it is true most dioceses have a protocol in place for reporting abuse, the people assigned to receive the complaints are very often clergy or someone employed by the diocese. This is often a real barrier to anyone thinking of coming forward. Just imagine reporting your abuse to another priest or someone employed by the bishop!

If a survivor didn’t feel comfortable going to the Church, there is no real mechanism or structure for survivors to speak out in Canada as a group.

In some countries, either the state or the Church has set up ways for survivors to reach out to impartial third parties for support and guidance, but as yet we don’t have this in Canada.

To be fair, in Canada there are a few dioceses that have addressed this lack of a national strategy. They are leading the way for victims to come forward and report abuse to people who are at arm’s length from the dioceses. The people, often lay people with experience in trauma and sexual offending, put the survivor in touch with the appropriate support they need to help in the healing process.

So, if a person decides to break their silence in Canada, it’s not an easy process.

Another thing that was very upsetting for me to hear was the fact that the legal process involved in survivors litigating their cases in the courts was extremely painful. Some reported that this was even more painful than the abuse itself. There have even been some churches that have taken cases to appeal. This adds to the suffering of the survivor, only prolongs the process, and costs the church more money in legal fees. Is there another way for the Church to meet with survivors?

Perhaps a spirit-filled solution could be found? A way for the two sides to work together?

I read recently that one of the religious orders in Canada try their utmost to avoid the legal process. They try to meet with the survivors who come forward and offer to meet any reasonable demand to provide the person with financial help and/or support to begin the healing process.

I believe survivors just want someone from the Church to reach out to them and listen to their story.